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Models and Understandings of Grief

Models and Understandings of Grief

"When it comes to bereavement, we have to realise that there is no complete theory for grief. If it were a simple approach with a beginning, a middle and an end, then all we really would need is just one book
that would take care of everyone. We realise this is not the case nor will it ever be like that. One size does not fit all..."

Terence. P Curley, Grief Ministry

Freud

Freud is credited with being the first to establish a ‘20th Century Psychology of Grief’ over 100 years ago. His view of grief was to ‘detach survivors’ memories and hopes from the dead’. ​​​However, his model did not match his personal experience following the death of his daughter. ​​Described 9 years later in a letter to a friend, he wrote: ​​​​

“Although we know that after such a loss the acute stage of mourning will subside, we also know we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute. No matter what may fill the gap, even if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else. Actually, this is how it should be. It is the only way of perpetuating that love which we do not wish to relinquish.”   Freud, 1961, p. 239 ​​

​​We now understand that we don’t get over, move on or have closure in our grief. We integrate it into our lives and search for meaning, to make sense of the chaos​​. ​​Grief needs to be felt! It needs to be heard! It needs to be witnessed and validated!

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (1969)

Developed one of the most well-known stage models, used by professionals. Her work with the dying was originally focussed on ‘Anticipatory Grief’ (e.g. response to receiving news of a terminal illness). Her model has had many interpretations and has been known as:

  • The 5 stages of receiving Catastrophic News
  • The 5 stages of Dying
  • The 5 stages of Death

Over time this model was called the Five Stages of Grief and has been misinterpreted and mis-applied to the bereavement experience and many other forms of loss. Near the end of her life, Kubler-Ross was to add a 6th stage: Meaning-Making.

Storytelling and Meaning-Making (Neimeyer 2001)

Our narratives about ourselves and the world we inhabit are based upon certain assumptions and beliefs. When our worldview and identity is challenged by significant loss, these stories too are disrupted. Loss can cause us to re-shape, re-create or expand our assumptions about the world and ourselves. Grief is therefore a struggle and growth in meaning-making and meaning-finding.

Relationships with others provide a vital space for shared memories and storytelling, which help us to construct new narratives about ourselves and the world.

“Each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. That doesn’t mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.”

David Kessler

Continuing Bonds (Klass, Silverman, Nickman 1996)

​​This theory describes many grief-related behaviours like holding on to items that were special to the person, daily rituals, conversations with the person, visiting places where you feel close to them, writing letters to them. This theory tells us that it’s ok and there is a healthy role in staying connected to a person, after they have died. This may not be true for everyone. Many people do not find comfort in continuing a bond with their deceased person for a variety of reasons, and that’s okay.​​

Continuing Bonds theory tells us that ​once we have had a relationship with someone or something, the experience of that relationship stays with us, even after that someone or something is no longer present physically. We stay connected with the deceased, whilst living life without them physically. We integrate our loss, grief, mourning, trauma, and bereavement experiences into our lives and who we are. Grief is therefore living a changed relationship and how this continuing bond gets incorporated into everyday life is a key part of the grief Experience. Our relationship changes from a physical one to a spiritual one.

“What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” - Helen Keller

Dual Process Model (Stroeb and Schut 1999)

Acknowledges that our behaviour following a loss can be affected by both loss-orientated thoughts and restoration-orientated thoughts. This model explains a healthy movement between Grief-oriented behaviours and Loss-oriented behaviours​.

When we are in Grief orientation mode – we turn the world away. We want to stay in our grief and feel the pain. We possibly seek out the (safe) support of those who want to hear our grief as we process the loss.​ Stayin only in this mode cam make grief unbearable and overwhelming. ​​

When we are in Life Orientation mode – the world draws us back – we feed the kids, walk the dog, sleep, eat​​. We start to put together what the world is going to look for us going forward​. ​Staying only in this ‘survival’ type mode, makes us avoid our grief and robs us of the very important task of feeling the pain of our grief, allowing ourselves to make meaning of our loss​.

We know that movement between the two is healthy and we need to make sure we spend time in both circles.​​

Growing Around Grief (Tonkin 1982)

Dr Lois Tonkin’s theory suggests that over time, your grief will stay much the same, but your life will begin to grow around it. ​You will have new experiences, meet new people, and begin to find moments of enjoyment. ​Slowly, these moments may grow more frequent, and the outer circle will grow a little bigger.​

This theory acknowledges that:​

  • Grief doesn’t always disappear with time; ​
  • It’s always there and may even grow a little bigger in difficult times, but will not always dominate your life​;
  • For many bereaved people, the idea of moving on or forgetting is one of the most problematic parts of grieving. Tonkin’s model suggests that it is okay for grief to always be part of your life.​

The Four Tasks of Mourning

Psychologist William Worden provides us a framework that presents 4 tasks that need to be addressed (in no specific order) in navigating our grief. Some sources say to ’heal’ our grief but we prefer to think about movement in grief because we know that grief is not something to be healed or fixed​.

​The 4 tasks Worden outlines are to: ​

  1. Accept the reality of the loss​
  2. Acknowledge the pain​
  3. Adjust to the world after the loss​
  4. Find and Enduring Connection –
    A spiritual connection, whilst we go on living​
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